


There Aren't Enough Tears For the Both of Us to Cry

by stennma



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst times infinity, Cancer, Fluff, I forgot i had an account for like a year, Illness, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-03 23:10:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5310653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stennma/pseuds/stennma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco feels more hurt by the fact that Mario has cancer than Mario.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Whoever feels the Götzeus as hard as me (no one)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Whoever+feels+the+G%C3%B6tzeus+as+hard+as+me+%28no+one%29).



> Simple equation. 
> 
> Götzeus = angst(infinity) 
> 
> Obviously blah this is fiction.
> 
> (And correct me in anything I get wrong because it would be embarrassing if I waltzed around thinking stuff was true but then it isn't)  
>  
> 
> PS: I was proud of the title at first but looking back at it... Not so much Lol

Marco thought it was supposed to be simple that night. 

Mario was meeting him for dinner that night.

It was supposed to be like every other night. 

Mario would try to order some fancy dish and when that fancy dish didn't work out and the food tasted like ~~really bad~~ diarrhea, he would get the same thing that Marco ordered and there would be an unspoken 'I told you so' in the air. 

They'd go back to Marco's place when it got late. They'd love each other like any other time. 

They'd wake up and be like, really disgustingly happy and gooey and romantic because that's what Marco and Mario were.  

Marco thought that night would be simple. Mario knew it would be simply a disaster. He had something to tell Marco, and to say in the very least, it would upset his beloved. 

Marco and Mario met in front of this really fancy restaurant that they always went to together but couldn't pronounce the name of it even after like five years. But the good part of sitting at a fancy place was that no one cared what you did because you know, they already had their own probs (as Marco put it) to deal with and also wouldn't want anyone meddling into their business either. 

Marco asked, "So, what do you want?"

"Well...uh." 

Oh no. The problem was that Mario lost his appetite. Okay, maybe it would've been logical to think that they would be eating food at a restaurant.

The waiter came to take their orders.  

Mario reluctantly looked at the menu and decided he wanted "fillet of sea bass with shellfish and sea vegetable minestrone, coco de paimpol, fennel and lovage," to not make Marco all suspicious and stuff. 

Marco scoffed at Mario's food choice for the millionth time, they laughed and everything seemed okay for a moment.

"I'll stay safe with Alfredo or something," Marco said. 

They talked about anything (and everything).

The food came and the once joyful sounds of Marco and Mario chatting away were replaced with an uncomfortable silence and sounds of the latter playing around with his food. 

Ugh. He didn't even want to think about food; he ran off to the bathroom to throw up. 

Marco continued eating and was left thinking: Mario would at least TRY the food before deeming it disgusting. Something was up. 

Mario came back by the time Marco finished eating and almost begged, "Can we go home? Please?" 

Marco nodded and gave a sad smile. Mario's voice and how it was full of despair just pulled on his heart. He pulled Mario in for a hug and after a few seconds Mario winced and rubbed around his middle. 

* * *

(transition because the car ride was boring) 

 

Mario led Marco upstairs to the bedroom and everything was blurry to Marco between the kisses and him being concerned for Mario. 

Marco spoke up. "Are you sure you wanna do _this_ tonight? Do you feel sick? Are you tired?" 

"Yes. I'm sure. I want to do this." He answered, but ignored those other questions. 

"But are you okay? Tired? Sick?" Marco pressed. 

Mario pleaded, "Can we talk about that after?" 

"Fine." 

  

* * *

 

 

"I love you." 

"I love you too." 

And just as when he was about to fall asleep, Marco interrupted. "Now are you going to tell me?" 

"Mhmm. Later..." Mario yawned sleepily. 

"Come on!" He exploded. "I'm fucking worried so much about you! What is happening to you?!" 

Mario bent over and reached for his travel bag to pull out a paper, giving it to Marco and hiding his face that was overflowing with tears under the blanket. 

Marco read it. "Regret to inform.......stage 4.....pancreatic cancer......prognosis................surgery............" 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The fresh hot tears rolling down Marco's face couldn't even _begin_ to convey how broken his heart was, and how broken _he_ was. 

 

He was completely frozen after skimming through the paper because let's face it, he didn't have the heart to continue reading about how Mario's condition would deteriorate and how he would have to suffer everyday. He tossed the paper onto the night stand lightly, not knowing why he would want to save the paper. 

 

All he could think about was what Mario did to deserve this. What could his Sunny ever do to deserve to have a disease try to rip his soul from under him? Marco wasn't going to let that happen and he was going to protect him at all costs. 

 

All he could think about was what their lives would be after this...obstacle that had to be conquered.

 

If Mario would ever be the same Mario that had an uncontrollable zest for life. 

 

If this cancer would end up destroying Mario or Mario would destroy the cancer instead.

 

"Marco. So. Marco? Marco?" The younger one urged Marco to say something, anything, to make sure he was still by his side.

 

Mario buried his face into Marco's chest and started inhaling Marco's scent to comfort himself and try to forget about everything that was happening.

 

Marco started stroking Mario's hair and uttered finally, "W-we'll get through this, right?" 

 

"I don't know." Mario said, and he didn't know why he being so honest and depressing when he so badly **_wanted_** to get through this too.

 

There was a painfully unpleasant pause; the only thing that could be heard was Marco's ragged breathing (that was nearing sobbing) and Mario couldn't even begin to explain why he said what he said to make himself and Marco feel even worse. "But I'm at stage four. Plus, surgery's the hope I have of making it out by this point and there's a 14 percent chance of survival. Obviously that's not much to root for-" The older one cut him off suddenly. 

 

"So let me get this straight. You're just going to fucking give up everything you worked for?! You're going to shit on everything WE are while you're at it too?!"  Mario was surprised by Marco's vehement outburst, but to be fair, Marco was too.

 

"Sorry to rain on your fucking parade, but this is reality. Life happens and I am not living in your fantasy world where 'if we have faith and believe... Anything can happen' And the rest of that bullshit!"

 

"Okay, this completely contradicts your fucking motivational instagram posts if you haven't realized." 

 

"That's different though!" 

 

"How is that different?! How is the dream of making it into the one percent of top flight football any more tangible than beating...some stupid tumor?" Marco ranted. "We made it through your transfer, shit, we even agreed to get married and you're sitting here and trying to tell me about some irrelevant statistic, when statistics have never mattered to us before?!"

 

Mario thought about what Marco said but ultimately, being so exhausted, he started to let sleep take over. He started to close his eyes when he felt the bed shift and heavy footsteps; and to make matters worse, Mario heard the front door slamming and locking before passing out.

 

* * *

 

 

"Okay, you're going to finish talking to me about this first and then you're going back to Mario." 

 

Marco had fled to Auba's place and started to tell Auba about the situation that Mario was in. It was really nice having someone to talk to and listen to his problems, especially someone that's willing to talk at like 11 at night.

 

"Mario handed to me a bunch of paperwork the doctor gave him and it was dated last month so apparently he's known for a month. A fucking month! Am I that unimportant for him that he would rather drop dead before mentioning anything to me about how he's sick?" 

 

Auba nodded attentively before Marco continued, "But on the other hand, he cared this much about me to go on a six hour trip from Munich to Dortmund and I repay him by just abandoning him in my house in the middle of the night?"

 

"And we talked on the phone and face timed and texted every day during the last month which he knew about the cancer and _**fuck**. I feel like such a shit fiancé well, if I'm even anything to him anymore_ because I couldn't even tell that anything was wrong with him!" 

 

Auba muttered reassuring words and hugged Marco, running his hands up and down his back while the latter was racked in sobs. He helped Marco get up from the floor (apparently Marco was too sad to sit on the sofa and cry.) 

 

Auba broke the silence softly after a while. "Come on. Let's get you back home to Mario." And clean off that really disgusting snot bubble on his face, Auba thought to himself. 

 

* * *

 

 

 

While Auba was driving him home, Marco was terrified at the possibility of Mario leaving Marco's house and Marco being alone. But no matter how much one pushed the other away, they needed each other and it was just that simple (even if everything else wasn't that simple.)

 

Marco needs Mario and Mario needs Marco. 

 

Auba and Marco said their farewells then Marco moved on to open the front door of his house, fidgeting nervously with his keys before they finally let him in. The inside of the house was lit by the moonlight and it was just...pleasing and calm. He kicked off his shoes and hung up his jacket before hesitantly going upstairs, afraid of what he would see. 

 

There was nothing to worry about since when he went upstairs he saw Mario, peacefully sleeping and snuggled under the covers. His face was lit by the soft moonlight and Marco could swear that Mario's lips curved to form a smile for a millisecond.

 

Marco couldn't describe it completely, but it just made his Sunny seem like he was happy. Everything would be okay in the end. 

 

It seemed like everything would be okay when Marco laid down in bed after one of the worst nights of his life, protectively wrapping his arms around Mario, and the younger one hugged Marco back. 

And in a strange way, everything **_would_** be okay in the end as long as they didn't give up and kept fighting.

But not giving up is way harder than it sounds. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kept goofing off and talking during class so now I have to do a lot of homework :(
> 
> And that reminded me that I'm an inconsistent updater so there's that. 
> 
> :(  
> :( 
> 
> :(((((


	3. Chapter 3

Mario was woken up by the sound of Marco snoring and drooling directly into Mario's ear, which was always very pleasant _. Not._ But it was all worth it because Marco was spooning himself around Mario. He felt really protected and just so---Wait. 

Why was Marco here when he was supposed to be mad at Mario? The events of last night came rushing back to him in an instant. He could remember so vividly how mad Marco sounded when he left and how it made him feel that Marco would never forgive him. Ashamed, he unconsciously shifted away from warm Marco's body to the other side of the bed. 

Marco started stirring from the sudden movement; he sat up, stretched his arms, and yawned. 

“Hmmmm....Mario...” Marco mumbled sleepily.

"Hi Marco." Mario said shyly. Marco's heart started to soar because of how cute Mario's voice was. How Mario said his name so effortlessly yet it felt like he spent an eternity trying to perfect saying 'Marco.' 

Okay, Marco was just having one of his 'oh Mario is so cute moments' but he always had them so Marco was used to it. 

"So..." 

"MARIO I'M SO SORRY! Please forgive me!! Sorry." Marco kept repeating everything like his life depended on it. 

"R-really? _I'm the one who should beg for forgiveness for not telling anyone_!" When Mario said that, Marco asked himself how in the world Mario could think that. How in the world did Marco deserve Mario? 

Marco stopped for a moment and thought about what Mario said. He hadn't told ANYONE? 

"What do you mean by ANYONE?" 

"....I planned to only tell you, well for right now at least, because you deserve to know. It was so hard telling you and... And..."

"Oh Sunny...." Mario shoved his face into the other one's neck. Marco could feel the wetness of his tears pouring down his neck then down his shirt.

 

* * *

 

 "Oh yeah, I almost forgot about this. You **_have_** to eat." 

"I really don't want to...." 

"Can you _please_  eat at least something?" Marco begged.

“I’m not hungry.” Mario said quietly. He knew his argument was a very weak one, but he tried regardless of the fact.

"Pulease puuuleasse? For me? Please…" To make everything even worse, his childish begging was amended with a pair of very sad puppy dog eyes, plus his usually thin lips were pouty and demanding.

Mario can't help but think how different this Marco was to the Marco was last night. It was obvious that both really cared about him but the Marco last night was so **_mad_**. It intensely contrasted to this one, which was so helplessly cute, goofy, cute, and charming ~~and cute and adorable~~. Did he remember to mention cute?

This Marco is the one that he's in love with and the one that stole his heart so long ago. 

So Mario can't say no to that face, as a result, he _finally_ gives in to Marco’s pleading.

He shouted after what felt like forever, "Okay fine!" 

"Really? Great! Yayyy! Let me get the breakfast I made for you," and Mario suddenly smells an overbearing mixture of incompatible food that for some miraculous reason he didn't notice before. Marco reaches by the side of the bed to grab a ginormous tray of sausages, toast and a literal mountain of other typical breakfast foods (but they didn't really go together at all because who in their right mind would want to eat sugary triple chocolate cereal with Weißwurst? Ugh. Just no. He didn’t like food as it was at this moment.) 

Marco stares at Mario until he eats something.

After he finishes his sausage, Mario feels so full that he can't get up and Marco can't help but feel proud that he did at least _something_ , no matter how small.

"So what are we doing today?" Mario asked Marco.

Wordlessly, Mario tells Marco, that he wants today to be a normal day. So, naturally, Marco would want to do anything for Mario and he complies. "I dunno what do you wanna do?" 

"I dunno. And that's why I asked you." he shot back playfully (and smart assly if you asked Marco.) 

As a result of having nothing to do, they did (well, for the most part) nothing. But it was the good kind of nothing.

They wore their pajamas the whole day and laid in bed the whole day. Marco brought in the TV for them to play video games, like this racing game but Mario thought he was player one and he was not so subtly rubbing it in Marco's face (this would prove to be immensely embarrassing for a certain someone ~~cough cough Mario~~ later). Marco said

Then, Mario came to the realization that he was NOT player one just a little too late.

"....oh, well. You know what? I don’t even wanna play anymore now. This game was too hard for anyone to actually play! Who invented this game anyway? Can we play something at least semi-decent like FIFA now?”

The older one just laughed and pressed his lips to Mario's. It felt so good to laugh like this.

 

* * *

 

 

The bad part of the day, unfortunately, Marco could remember it just as well as the good parts if not more and he didn't want to. 

Mario got sick a few times and all of the times he couldn't make it to the bathroom on time to puke. He felt so helpless and embarrassed but he also wondered why Marco never got mad at him. Marco reassured him it wasn’t big of a deal but he couldn’t believe it. Mario said these thoughts out loud, making the other man heave shaky breaths and run his hands through Mario’s hair.

His burgundy green eyes gored into Mario’s soul. He stated like it was so painfully obvious, 

"You're so worth it."  

Mario held on to Marco even closer in response. Marco’s arms squeezed Mario’s now dainty torso even harder. It was just like they would lose each other like if they didn't. Sometimes, especially now, it seemed to Marco like it was true and Mario would drift away from him like a balloon. They just had to hold on tighter to each other.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops i go from tragic angsty stories to funny high school au to fluffy songfics back to tragic
> 
> (i completely forgot to update this story and had too much fun with other stories)

It's been a week since Marco found out, and a week and a half before the surgery. Their days were filled with staying at home and when they weren't at home, they were going to the doctor's for those stupid appointments. Mario had breathed in enough of antiseptic and had seen enough of the inside of doctors' nostrils from when they were examining him (and up those nostrils were boogers).  ** _The_ ** surgery was stupid. It was super high risk, and Marco couldn't stand this "no guarantees" thing.

 

Marco made Mario tell his family that he was, in short, in the process of dying and they tried to be only encouraging to Mario but Mario could see in their eyes and subtle actions how disappointed they were that he didn't tell them.

Besides the angsty side, things seem to be going pretty smooth after Mario officially moved into Marco's place. Fabian helped bring his things to Dortmund and it was kind of really bittersweet because Marco would be spending every morning and night with Mario but this only happened because Mario was so sick. So it was a regular day and nothing was really happening. 

"I wanna go outside."

"But it's too cold!" ~~and you're too weak and sick to go out.~~ But Marco refrains from saying that last statement because everything that's said just becomes some brutal truth that no one can escape from.

He forces Mario to wear like seven coats but at least Mario gets to go outside. 

Marco's holding Mario's torso to give him support and they go downstairs and out onto the patio... They just sit there. There's already a layer of snow on the lawn and there's some snow falling to the ground but every snowflake ends up melting. He's thumbing Mario's knuckles and fingers like he's trying to memorize his hand. It soothes Mario. So Marco keeps on doing it.  

The scenery of the sun shining on the white blanket of snow in their backyard, making it sparkle, gets a little mundane and they go in. Marco takes off their jackets and he leads Mario into the living room and they lay by each other on the rug in front of the fireplace. They're linking themselves together with their arms and legs so Mario's getting comfortable, starting to doze off...

"Hey."

Mario opens his eyes and looks over to Marco. He raises his eyebrows. 

"Let's get married." 

"But we already are getting married?" 

"I mean let's get married tomorrow." 

It would be better this way when Mario would have more hospital visits and Marco would have more visiting rights, as his HUSBAND. 

"This sudden? How?" 

"I know a guy who knows a guy out of the country." Marco said in a manner that was a little suspicious but then continued, "It'll be the paperwork so we won't have to go anywhere, and we can have the wedding _when_ you're well." And Marco impatiently waits for the inevitable yes. (Well, the answer was inevitable to everyone but Marco). 

"Yes! I want to be with you for the rest of my life." In this context and everything, his statement sounded depressing but Mario meant it in a general, cliché wedding vow kind of way. 

So by tomorrow they would be married.

 

 

They tied the knot officially a few days ago. Mario keeps getting weaker and weaker and it makes Marco petrified because he was so used to seeing Mario smiling and laughing, just about anything other than him barely being able to walk around the house like--- 

A loud thump coming from the bedroom distracts Marco from his thoughts and he stops making dinner to run up the stairs to see Mario sprawled out. He landed head first on the hardwood floor but his legs were tangled in the blanket and still on the bed. He tries not to move Mario in fear of injuring him even more because Mario's neck is about to fucking break in half. 

"Sunny! Mario. Mario! Answer me!" Mario's eyes stay shut and Marco's eyes let out tears. 

He dials the emergency number and, ".....he won't wake up and j-j-just please send someone here!" His voice starts to fail on him and it starts cracking. "P-pleas-please!" 

The dispatcher reassures Marco that there will be people there shortly and gives him tips for what to do in the meanwhile. Marco explains to the dispatcher the awkward position that Mario landed in and she advises Marco to move Mario to a position where he's lying down completely. Marco's so grateful because he doesn't know if he could handle looking at his Sunny being face down and feet up, and his whole body bent in such an uncomfortable position for five minutes. 

He lays Mario down gingerly so that he's on the floor. He shakes Mario. He pries his eyes open and shines them with a flashlight. He screams.

He presses his fingers against between Mario's jaw and neck, and wrist. The older one tries to feel around for his pulse and he doesn't know whether he doesn't feel Mario's pulse because Marco sucks at finding pulses (Marco can't even find his own sometimes) ~~or because Mario's heart isn't beating anymore.~~ No. this can't be the end.

He presses his ear against Mario's chest and he's _semi_ relieved that there's a familiar thumping sound echoing through his ears.

He hears the roar of a siren getting closer and closer to their house. His fruitless attempts to wake Mario up are halted when a bunch of paramedics marched up the stairs and into the bedroom. Marco was so relieved because the paramedics were this idea of hope, a chance that everything would be better. They ask him a bunch of medical history questions about Mario and Marco is in a haste to answer them. 

It's like everything's in slow motion when they pick up Mario and put him on a gurney. They carry him down the stairs, out the ajar door, and into the back of the ambulance. Marco is on the front porch of his house, and is about to reach in his pocket and grab his car keys to go to the hospital. From the distance, he notices that Mario stirs and mumbles something incoherent but it could just be Marco's imagination so he just dismisses this.

"You should ride in the ambulance with your.......spouse." A young paramedic comes up to Marco and says and he's no longer distracted by his thoughts. She looks at Marco not in any judgmental manner but just to reaffirm that he is in fact, Mario's significant other. Marco nods hesitantly after he senses she has no bad intentions. Looking at the ground, he mutters a "thanks" and looks up to smile at her. 

The ride to the hospital is unsurprisingly chaotic with everyone focused on figuring out how to wake up Mario. Marco's sitting there next to Mario not knowing what to do. He keeps on getting distracted from his thoughts because of his surroundings: 

The ambulance's siren is still wailing and its angry flashing red lights are still blinding Marco's vision. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter was good or at least decent for you quality people :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco was an asshole that day and Mario just kind of takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was feeling really depressed so this is the outcome.
> 
> Also Marco was talking about Mario in his interview equals even sadder.

Mario's eyelids start fluttering and he yawns casually. It's the type of nonchalantness that says none of this ever happened and Marco wished so bad that it was true. Mario looks around, a little discomposed by his current surroundings until he looks at Marco and his eyes just kind of settle there. Mario's lips curve upward in a smile but that beautiful smile was hidden by a breathing mask. 

They're still in the ambulance at this point but Marco doesn't care because Mario's AWAKE now. It'll be okay. Right?  

Everyone's so relived and Marco just shouts "Mario" on the top of his lungs and continues to sob.  

They're at the hospital now and straight to the emergency room they went. 

"It looks like he just took a nasty spill," the same doctor that Mario has been going to, Dr. Bergmann, says after he examines Mario. "This makes everything a little harder but you guys can manage." 

"But I'd, of course, advise you to stay overnight because this induces a substantial amount of stress on Mario's already poor health with his neck sprain and to check for the risk of internal bleeding or a concussion. Mario, do you remember anything?” 

"Yes, I remember everything that happened when I was conscious. I fell off of the bed and I remember waking up in the ambulance.” 

The doctor says, "very well then. Mario, I want to have a talk with you later.” and he goes to get some paperwork, leaving the two to themselves.

"Why did you fall off the bed?" 

"I tried... to get up….” the younger one pauses to catch his breath again and Marco waits patiently. “, to get some water-"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TO GET IT?! I told you not to move!!!!” He has no idea why he’s picking now of all occasions to pick a fight with the one he loves the most so he looks apologetically at the younger one but it’s too late and you can’t take back words. 

"STOP!" Mario shouts raggedly and continues. “It’s…demoralizing…for…me.. I. can’t... do... anything."

"I'm supposed to be here for you. I'm here for you. Nothing else matters.” Marco says desperately in an attempt to express his love to Mario. 

And Mario doesn't respond. He turns to the window so he doesn't have to see his husband's pleading face anymore. He's so sick of being so helpless and just laying there, feeling like he's rotting as the days go by.

"I'm begging you! I want to help you because I lo-love you, Mario.” Mario turns around and he weakly whispers a sincere “I love you too.” 

Marco takes a **good** look at Mario for the first time for a while and all he can see are sunken in cheekbones as opposed to those cute chubby ones with those cute freckles and that cute smile was replaced by this utterly depressed smile. His eyes look tired, like he can barely keep them open and he lost so much weight in so little time. 

“I should probably go so he can talk to you.” 

Mario nods solemnly. 

 

* * *

 

Mario Götze remembered everything vividly. Maybe everything was a little _too_ vivid. Minor symptoms of the cancer didn’t show up until three months ago so he just ignored it then things got worse and he went to the hospital a little more than a month ago. He remembers talking to Marco everyday, contemplating when the right time to tell him was and that time never came. He remembers feeling like the only option for him was to give up. When he looked into Marco’s eyes, everything just seemed **_better_**. He remembered **_Marco_** and then later thinking that just kicking the bucket without putting up a fight was so fucking ridiculous and questioned why he ever thought it.

He remembers how hard the battle is and how _everything_ hurts. He wants this cancer to end and everyone to be happy again but he just wants it to end. He’s going through the motions of being optimistic and being hopeful, but. Mario can’t bring himself care if he’s going to live or not and it terrifies him. 

Dr. Bergmann walks into Mario’s room and sits on the foot of his bed. He feels like the doctor really cares about him and it just warms Mario's heart for some reason.

“Now you’ve made those…post operation plans in case…….you-know-what happens?” Mario’s made tons of preparations but only because the only thing he cares about now is his husband.

Of course, one of Marco’s favorite pastimes is eavesdropping and he does just that at this moment. He’s sitting in the hallway on a (very outdated) waiting room chair with his elbows on his knees and face resting on his palms. 

He hears their conversation through the hallway. He wishes he hadn’t. 

“Yes. I’ve prepared since I found out about the cancer. The will and my personal statements are going to be left in Marco’s name so he can have them.” 

His vision blurs and everything sounds staticky now. He can’t take this anymore.  

Mario soundly unbelievably calm and it made him so furious. So **this** is it? 

The sound of himself sobbing breaks him from his trance. Marco doesn’t realize that he’s crying so when he feels tears streaming down his face and into his mouth he gets frustrated. He feels helpless and sad but angry at the same time and it’s just so confusing. 

“Marco. Mario wants to see you.” Dr. Bergmann says. Marco hastily wipes his tears onto the sleeve of his shirt. 

When Marco returns into the room, Mario says he needs to talk to him (oh great), "look, I know that this has been said to death and it's so cliché. But promise me. If I don't make it, I want you to be happy..." The younger one trails off.  

"Oh no...Mario stop it!”   

Despite Marco’s protests, Mario continues, "I want you to move on." 

"Fuck!!!” Marco’s covering his ears with his hands like a defenseless little child. 

And Marco just starts yelling at Mario like, 'how could you say this' and ‘you want to die’ and ‘but I need you’ and Mario just takes everything that Marco’s throwing at him because he has no idea how to answer Marco besides ‘I need you too.'

He has no idea what to do but to hold Marco and comfort him, tell him everything will work out (because it will. It doesn’t matter **_how_** everything will work out to Mario.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On another note, the BUNDUCKSLIGA IS BACK


	6. Chapter 6

Mario tells him that Marco will be okay a million times and Marco has no idea what that is supposed to mean because it'll never be okay if Mario's not there. Never. 

So then now Marco is just sitting on a chair beside Mario on a hospital bed the day before he’s supposed to go in for this life changing surgery and...Mario is trying comfort Marco and he just feels so helpless. He loves Mario so much but he can't do anything for him but cry. Marco can’t help but think that Marco’s the one who’s supposed to be holding Mario. It just doesn’t make sense like this but he needs Mario to hold him.

And Mario loves him so much but Mario's leaving hi- 

Just. No. Marco is telling, no he yells at himself to fucking stop thinking about it. It can’t be possible. It just can’t.

It can't happen to them.

He just has his head buried into the side of the bed into Mario's side hysterically sobbing while Mario rubs the same hand that they so forcefully pierced the iv in his wrist, running that hand up and down Marco's back soothingly like Marco's actually the one going into surgery.

For the most part, they tolerate visitors. Mario tells Marco to stay when people start coming in. So he does. Mario's not in the mood to see anyone except for Marco, but he guesses it's not very polite to refuse people who love him from visiting so he attempts to refrain from complaining and tries to suck it up. 

Some teammates visit and it's the usual like Mats, and Lewy and the rest of the gang. Auba tells some joke about a tractor and telephone pole but no one laughs (Marco awkwardly stares at Auba and pleads silently, I love you bro but you’re not funny and please go away). Now the less than welcome visitors are standing in a corner of the hospital room in sheer awkwardness. 

And some teammates want to talk to Mario alone like Lewy. Mario’s in a pretty depressed mood but he doesn’t need Robert bringing him down even further.  Lewy sighs heavily every five seconds to indicate to Mario his despair. If one of them wasn't dying, it would've been pretty funny.

And of course, a bunch of non-footballer friends like Marco’s friends, Marcel and Robin come in to wish them well. Marco kind of expected them there even though they didn’t talk much besides business like that club thing and the clothing line endorsing, what was it? Oh yeah. Pursuit.  Marco always sensed the pure hatred Mario felt for Marcel’s entrepreneur-esque projects but he never voiced that hatred. Marco guesses that the younger one’s silence was to spare his feelings about Marco’s friends. 

But it was really hard to blame them. Marco naturally didn’t fit in with Marcel and Robin anymore because he was from a whole different world with different worries, football in place of business ventures.  And they knew Marco, someone who had millions of people practically worshipping him. They were obviously going to seize the opportunity as much as they could.

But the thing that actually ** _fucking_** bothered Marco about his friends was that Marco couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but they always seemed a little…iffy towards Mario (it got worse when he went to Munich). It was like they were nice to Mario just to assuage Marco.

Mario’s family comes to visit. Felix and Fabian pretend they're okay with this and to quote the physiologist, "come to terms" but everyone can see right through their artificial smiles. Their dad tells them to stop that charade or else. 

When Mario's mother comes in just to give him a kiss on the forehead, she makes sure to give Marco one too. It makes Mario almost feel happy because people are going to take care of Marco for him if Mario.... If he... doesn't... make it. Never mind. Marco looks at Mario as if he knew what Mario was thinking and gores his eyes into Mario's soul, like telling him to shut up. 

Marco's family is optimistic (almost annoyingly so) but it makes Mario's heart swell with hope -for a few seconds- when Marco's dad ruffles Mario's hair and tells him it's for good luck but "it's not like you need it" and he winks. 

Everyone knows better than to bother asking Marco to come home  Sunny is where his home is though  later because they know it won't happen. Marco's going to stay until they wheel Mario in for **_the_** operation tomorrow morning. Farewells are exchanged. It's depressing, to say in the least. 

It's the, 'you're going to be okay' and 'it's going to be okay' that Mario whispers almost breathlessly to him and not 'I'm going to be okay' that gets to Marco the most. It's how he says this continuously over the sound of beeping life monitor machines in the hospital room. It makes everything a terribly thought out paradox, like how there's no fucking way how Mario not being okay would somehow result with Marco ending up okay. 

Mario suddenly lets out a painful hiss out from the pain in his torso and he takes away his hand from Marco's back to hold his own middle for a minute then he smiles sadly and says, "Sorry." 

Marco cries even harder when Mario apologizes because Mario isn't in the position to apologize. 

Mario is now back to rubbing Marco's back but now he also caresses Marco's hair with his other hand. Marco wonders if this is wrong. Marco whispers, "I shouldn't be this pathetic" and he pauses for a minute, then continues, "there aren't enough tears for the both of us to cry." 

Mario looks at Marco in confusion. But Mario should be the one to let go of his grief and Marco's the one crying for him. Marco says it's not fair for Mario but the younger one shrugs it off and says "it was really hard for you too." 

Nighttime comes so the moonlight reflects into the window and the lights turn off;  a nurse brings in a cot for Marco and she places it on the left side of Mario's bed. He's getting ready to lay in the cot and trying to get settled. 

He has a feeling that he's going to lay there asleep all night if he's sleeping in that cot so far away from his Sunny.

Mario interrupts the silence and pats the spot to the right of him on the hospital bed. He knows Marco likes the side of the bed with the window. "Come....here." 

Marco obliged right away.

They try to make the best of everything by lying as close to each other as possible. And breathing in each other. 

“I will always love you so much.” 

Mario waits for Marco to fall asleep to say it because he knows Marco would cry even more than he already was this whole day. 

_________

Marco falls asleep in Mario's arms and he wakes up in the same hospital room but now it's empty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tears* 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Well anyway, I don't say this enough but you guys are the best, thanks for kudosing (my new verb) and commenting... :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this in my drafts for like a gazillion years ago then forgot about it lol sorry

“Marco, it’s going to be okay.” is what Marco keeps hearing everyone say (Obviously, it doesn’t help and It just reminds him of how Mario said it before they just fished him in to go to surgery). He doesn’t know if what Mario said was what Mario meant or if what his friends and family said to him about everything being okay is sincere or they just said it just to fruitlessly attempt to cheer him up. It doesn’t matter anymore now. The world feels like it’s ending (probably because for Marco,  it **_is_** ending). Mario is his world. And he’d never thought he’d be lame enough to say that but it’s true. 

Marco shuts his eyes for a few moments because he can't handle THIS. 

He feels his dad rubbing a hand on his back and his mom massaging his scalp with her fingers. 

“Because Mario’s in heaven now.” 

He can’t control himself at this point when his mom says this, it’s like he’s in some kind of nightmare. He opens his mouth and there’s no way to filter what comes out of it. “Get the fuck out.” He shout-whisper-screeches, and his friends and family are looking at him with wide eyes in disbelief. 

"Get out. Get out.” And all of marco’s friends and family start to clear out of the room out in pure terror and a hint of anger and shock. Nico whispers quietly but old enough to be audible to Yvonne, “Why is Uncle Marco so mean and scary?” Marco just feels so ashamed at this point. He wants to crawl into a hole and lay there forever. Auba just gives him a look, a look that conveyed every hint of betrayal he felt by Marco, a look that asks, 'how could you do this to us?’ The door slams when Marcel shut it. His mom and dad stay where they are. They keep on rubbing his back and massaging his head. Marco starts crying and he screams just to let everything out, And everything starts to fade to black slowly (but Marco doesn’t really mind at this point). 

 

He opens his eyes, 

and wakes up for the millionth time today (from the millionth nightmare today) in a cold sweat with a hand still rubbing up and down his back and another rubbing his head, just like in his dream. His t-shirt is stuck to the skin on his back because from the sweat, and his hair completely matted from the sweat in addition to tossing and turning in bed. 

He looks like a complete mess.

Marco doesn’t register yet that it was just a dream, it was so real and so scary. Marco was terrified of himself. And he missed Mario so much. And everything was just terrible.

 

“Mom. Dad. i’m sorry,” his breath hitches and his mother looks at him confusedly. He just says again, “I’m so sorry.” 

 

“It’s just a dream.” Marco’s dad still holds him like a little child in his arms, and hurries to reassure Marco that in fact, it’s just a dream. Marco’s not too convinced, and he just stares blankly at the wall. It’s the wall of his childhood bedroom and everything comes rushing back to him. He’s here and not with Mario because the hospital practically kicked him out and the staff said it was no use moping there, so now he’s moping at his parents’ house instead. Marco can’t return to his house where  ** _he_**  fell off the bed. He just can’t be reminded of that). He feels especially sorry for his parents because they have to watch him be depressing all day and crying all day. His mom finally forced him to go to sleep.

It’s twenty minutes later when Marco’s parents run upstairs because Marco’s screaming on the top of his lungs and sobbing uncontrollably. 

He begs them not to let him fall asleep again. He’s desperate. 

“Now honey, go back to sleep because you’ll need your energy when Sunny wakes up.” his mom says and gently pushes his back to lay down and nudges his head on a pillow. He wants to disagree but Marco’s so exhausted physically and mentally to argue….his eyelids start to droop until he finally falls asleep. 

It’s a **_sunny_** day (the irony) with clear skies, and Marco’s in the middle of a field full of daisies. Mario said that was his favorite flower once and that he would like to have them for their wedding no matter how simple they were. (This is the most surreal dream ever but Marco’s dream were very very terrifying and horrific at that time, mind you). He starts to focus his eyes at the daisies and they start dying in front in front of him, one by one, wilting and browning. 

He sees Mario standing a mere few meters away, shouting Marco’s name, saying, “Help me.” Mario pleads, "please."

Marco tries to run to him, and his ankle twists. He almost lands completely to the barren ground but stopped the fall with his hands. Marco keeps on trying to run, but it’s too slow of a pace now and Mario starts to disintegrate into thin air. Marco tries to chase Mario into the horizon but it’s in vain now that when he runs, it doesn’t get him anywhere and he stays in the same place like he's running on a treadmill. No matter how fast he moves his legs he's stuck. 

Mario whispers one last, “Marco” before he completely disappears. 

 

“Marco.” This time it’s Auba whispering his name. Marco sits up hurriedly and he’s confused when he sees Auba’s face staring back at him. 

“Your parents called me.” 

Marco suddenly gets really insecure and nervous, because as much as Auba is his proclaimed bro, Marco always kept to himself because he doesn’t want to have his image of himself be someone weak and powerless. No one's ever seen him break down like this besides Mario and his parents, and they’ve only seen him like that a hand full of times.

“Marco, It's okay. I know how hard it is.” 

"Do you, really?" Marco says in between sobs, and regrets what he said instantly. Marco reasons with himself after the fact, Auba's only trying to help and this is what he does? Auba pretends he didn't hear him to spare the blonde of anymore distress. 

"S-sorry." 

"It's okay." 

"I'm glad you're here. I love you." 

Auba smiles and slaps Marco's shoulder playfully. “I love you too.” 

He exclaims, "Oh! Almost forgot. Let me get some stuff that you’d probably like from my car." He comes back later he with a duffel bag full of stuff from Marco's (and now Mario's) house. Auba used his spare key quite often because Marco had the absolute _best_ food in his fridge. But now the key actually served a purpose. He pulls out a blanket along with Mario's pillow and Mario's shirt. Marco greedily grabs these things and he fists the blue, worn out t shirt shirt to his nose, shuts his eyes and inhales it. 

He falls asleep. Let’s just say: Marco doesn’t dream any bad dreams for the rest of the day.

Auba ruffles Marco's unkept hair, proceeds to leave so Marco can get some sleep, and quietly shuts the door on the way out. 

He’s woken up by the Game of Thrones theme song that Mario set as the ringtone on Marco’s phone ironically. 

it finally dawns to him that this was when Mario was supposed to be done with his surgery. This was the moment. 

Marco swipes to answer and presses his ear against the speaker anxiously. His breath hitches. 

“Marco, you should come to the hospital now.” Mario’s doctor just blurts out gently without any greeting. Marco doesn’t know if this is good or bad that the doctor’s just being so frank about this. He feels a lump in his throat and he can’t physically respond. He puts on his jacket, zips it up, slips on his shoes, and ties them hastily. 

 The doctor waits for Marco to say something but that’s obviously not going to happen any time soon so he continues.

“I’m not supposed to tell you until you get here.” There’s another long pause in between the that statement and, “I should stay calm, but. Congratulations. Mario had a successful surgery. He’s not awake yet but he’s in stable condition.” 

His ears start ringing with the same high pitched staticky sound that he always hears in his head whenever he’s panicking. But this time Marco welcomes the sound because the sound is caused by how he can’t believe this is happening and how absolutely ecstatic he is. 

He feels so excited and butterflies are in his stomach and his chest hurts and it’s just so stupid how he’s reacting to this in so many different ways when marco thinks the only emotion he should feel with this is a simple ‘happy.’ but it’s way more complicated for some reason. Everything just has to be complicated. 

Everything’s happening really fast. it felt like Mario being okay was so unrealistic for their expectations but at the same time, this was the only outcome that was possible for them. 

Marco says, “Thank you.” and smiles through the phone receiver, hangs up, and excitedly screams at everyone to get their asses in the car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: follow me on tumblr i need tumblr friends none of my real life friends are interested in Götzeus
> 
> *desperate plea* :(


	8. Chapter 8

Marco rushes into the hospital too excited, too nervous, too anxious, but also, too tranquil, too calm, and too gleeful. He feels like he could be on top of the world and rock bottom. 

He’s worried about everything and nothing at the same time. Mario's fine but at the same time, could he really be fine?

Everyone follows in tow (Mario’s mom called for EVERYONE to come), too worried because the doctor gave really vague everyone thought, ‘Marco’s going to get his heart broken’ and ‘it’s not going to be pretty.’ 

The sign reads in angry red letters "Intensive Care Unit" and it makes Marco a little sick to his stomach. After they get settled they find out that they still have to wait for Mario to actually wake up. 

“When is Mario going to wake up?” 

“We had to induce him into a very very minor coma to let his body calm down a bit after the surgery, so he will able to come out of it” and Marco nods as a default reaction but all he hears is the part where she says he’s going to wake up. 

At the mention of coma, Mario’s mom holds back a sob with her face in her hands.  

He’s trying to be optimistic but everyone around him isn’t really helping.

“Don’t panic,” is what the surgeon hastes to say but it’s a millisecond too late, and Mario’s loved ones are still eternally panicking  “,he should be able to wake up from it” but it goes mostly unheard. 

Marco squints a little and the nameplate reads, S. Neiman, a little common for a German person. He wonders what her first name is. They’ve met her before the surgery but Marco was really in his own world then. Marco’s sudden interest is just him trying to get something to distract himself from the anxiety of having to wait for Mario. 

He ignores everything and asks the surgeon, “Can I come in?” and she a little excited and says, “Yes, Mario would want you to see you first when he's up.” and she puts her palm on Marco’s back to walk him where the hallway to the room is and ushers him into the room. 

She lets him spend some time alone with Mario saying it would help both of them. He doesn't argue with that logic.  

Marco’s in the room with Mario. Mario has these breathing and IV tubes along with wires taped on his chest. The older one is, unfortunately,  used to this sight of Mario looking so helpless and fragile. He doesn't want to be used to this. 

 As expected, nothing’s really happening right now and Marco can’t keep himself occupied so he’s just looking around. 

He can see the sun setting from the window next to where the younger one is resting. There’s some pretty pinkish and orange hues mixed in with the cottony clouds. They're casting on Mario's face, and he still has his eyes closed. He looks almost peaceful like this but there's nothing peaceful about Marco having to worry about never seeing Mario open his eyes ever again. He strokes his hair back and whispers, "you'll see me tomorrow, okay?" Marco leaves to let other people visit Mario. He steps aside to see Fabian go in and he smiles at Marco. 

 

-

Marco falls asleep on the car ride back to his parents' house late at night.

-

It’s the next morning, Marco’s sitting here in the same dingy plastic chair that was in the waiting room, only they moved it in here so he could sit next to Mario. Mario started mumbling random things in his sleep since this morning, it made Marco really really happy because there actually feels like there's a chance now. 

 

 

Mario mutters an awkward “Mhhhm” and it sounds like he’s about to say something, so Marco comes closer and Mario starts to utter something that sounds like “Marco” and Marco’s this close to crying, but holding his tears back because he doesn’t want to over whelm Mario. 

“Marco.” and after he says that, he just wraps his arms around the older one's lower torso like his life depended on it. But then Mario's own middle starts hurting so he retaliates by hissing and letting out an, “Oww owww" Marco feels like shit by this point, also really guilty because he thinks Mario's shouts of pain are his fault. 

Marco lets go of Mario's embrace even if he doesn't want to let go.

 Mario asks questions like, "so am I all better now?" And it makes Marco really sad. 

Mario's heart monitor starts beeping rapidly, terrifying Marco. The shrill of the machine continues but Mario is actually like absolutely nothing’s wrong and he keeps talking. 

Marco jams on the help button like there's no tomorrow. 

Dr. **S.** Neiman comes in and tells Marco that it's time to go rather sternly, she tells him that both of them need some rest. 

Mario starts to pout like a little child, saying stuff like, “It’s not fair” and “WHYYY?” and “I want Reusy" (Where did that name come from?) and “Nooooo” 

Everything that the younger one does right now just causes Marco’s heart to ache, but it’s when he makes grabby hands towards Marco, that’s when Marco can’t compose himself anymore. Marco starts to leave and he hears Mario's whines and sees his teared sneaked face. 

Marco's waiting outside of the hospital, sitting on a bench under a tree. It's really nice out, considering it's the spring, and Dortmund's sights at this time of year usually consist of weather just a little short of being monsoons. The sun is bothering his eyes, but he'd rather be here than sorrounded in the paper white walls of the hospital room. 

He’s scared of going back to Mario’s room because he, and he's ashamed to think it, but he doesn't want to see Mario. At least, he doesn't want to see him like this, Mario was so mentally helpless, on top of how he's been physically helpless. 

Marco hates this. 

An hour later, Marco heard from Mario's brother Felix that he calmed down and he's apparently asking for Marco again. 

Marco's under the door frame of the hospital room, waiting for instruction from his Sunny to go in further. 

"Marco." 

He's scared to approach Mario. Mario's disappointed, considering all he _wants_ is Marco to be here. 

"Marco." Marco still doesn't want to approach him. He's still in the door way waiting. Mario's still disappointed but now tears start streaming down his face, and that's when Marco can't stand it anymore. He finally approaches Mario after trying so hard to stay away. His chocolate eyes stare up and down Marco until he finally rests on the older one’s hazel eyes. He notices that Marco’s eyes are bloodshot with his under eye circles more prominent than normal and it makes Mario more than worried. 

Mario gives Marco a concerned look but the latter dismisses it. 

But he doesn't care about how scared he is of Mario making him sad by being so frank and out of control, because Marco moves the wires and breathing tube on his face out of the way so he can press his lips onto Mario's and it's never felt so sweet before. They stay like this. 

(Mario's breath tastes and smells like he hasn't brushed his teeth since a week ago, but it's okay.) It's worth it because he gets to kiss Mario.

The beeping of Mario's heart monitor erradticates and it terrifies Marco that he's the cause for Mario being like this. He feels like he has this obligation to protect his Sunny. He's always had this obligation. So he pulls away from the kiss after the harsh shrill of the medical equipment keeps on ringing.

The doctor barges in the room to make sure Mario isn't dying and surprisingly, she's satisfied seeing that nothing’s wrong. Marco expected something to go wrong again. She says playfully "get back to whatever you guys were doing but stay at the second base. Mario's not well enough to take it further." It was meant to be playful, but it had the undertone of a really strict warning. The doctor leaves, and they couldn't be more relieved.

And it's more awkward than anything because it was _just a kiss._ They didn't want that to be something more than just an innocent, **first** kiss they're having in the essence of Mario being awake. Mario doesn't say anything in response, he just grabs Marco's semi calloused hand and intertwined it with his. Marco's surprised by this, but he squeezes Mario's hand comfortably. Marco brushes his thumb over Mario's knuckles over and over again. (He's still scared of mario right now but he's more scared of being without mario.) Sunny's hand feels soft. It feels... it feels like home.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, back to my desperate plea for people to add me on tumblr: 
> 
>  
> 
> stennma
> 
> :(


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